Plans Fall Apart; Life Happens

So I went on retreat this week: cat-sitting for a friend. I was going to explore some practices and study related to an assembly I am going to in July. The whole thing fell apart in the first day. I figured out very quickly how to undo the block I had set on my phone and now I am watching Netflix. I think what happened was that I was too gung-ho about it, but also, I think I really needed time that was just mine, to relax; space that is mine, sort of.

Also, I think, I placed so much energy into the Buddhism project, and it’s not about that. I was looking for something real, and what I took refuge in, the Three Jewels, is real, but it’s not. It’s just another finger pointing to the moon, but it’s not the moon. It’s just existence. It’s just the moment, sitting here tapping on the phone while the tuxedo kitty sits on the windowsill nearby. It’s the light filtered through buildings into the window and reflecting off of the floor and walls. it’s the leather couch. It’s a relaxed body, and head and neck bent at a weird angle by the armrest.

Maybe it’s also the fretting that I have to be doing something; the worry that my life isn’t going anywhere.

Maybe it’s that, and also coming back from that.

And then, toasted roll with butter and scrambled eggs.

The Truth About Diet (From My Personal Perspective)

Ok, so this has been bugging me for a few days:

Dear ayurvedic, vegan, holistic, organic, herbal medicine, cleansing people,

I know. Your method of eating is so wonderful. You feel so much better. You cured your own cancer, or migraines, or high blood pressure, or whatever. And you did it all through clean living, avoiding GMOs, and some wonderful substance that is either banned by the government or so obscure that you needed some health guru to turn you on to it. Or maybe you figured it all yourself. Good for you (and/or the guru who helped you.)

You feel good. I’m happy for you. You’ve found The Truth. Please allow me to reiterate: I’m happy for you. It took me decades of searching before I found something that felt like the Truth that turned out to be reliable. I’m not going to talk about that here. If you really wanna know, feel free to PM. But honestly, if you don’t know, you really don’t wanna know. And I’m not gonna tell you, unless you ask, because you have already found your truth, and you’re happy.

But you remember that moment when you found It? Remember that pride? Did it happen because you complained about some problem with your health and some friend of yours said, “well, that wouldn’t be a problem if you just …”? You had to do your own search, didn’t you? And now you spend lots of time with other people who found the same Truth, and you tell each other how right you are. Right?

When I complain about some dificulty and you go in on a speech about how my problem would be magically cured by whatever system you’ve discovered and how I should not be taking medications from Big Pharma because they are lying to me and using me as a guinea pig… well, it’s annoying. ok?

I’m a bit of a slob. It took me forty years to discover that frozen veggies can be heated up with leftover rice or put into ramen noodles. Let me say that again: it took me forty… years… to bring simple vegetables into my diet. If I had waited that long to cure my problems with diet, I would have died by now, of the blood pressure that actually can’t be cured with diet because it’s … wait for it… genetic.

When you start spouting about how wonderful your diet is and how it will cure all my ills, you don’t know all that. You are also forgetting an important factor, something that is in your face every day and maybe you just don’t even notice: not everybody can afford your diet. Sure sure, maybe I could grow a few herbs in my house (remember what I said about it taking me forty years to start eating frozen vegetables? In what part of my geriatric years do you think I will catch up to that idea?) But a few herbs grown in a terrace (which I don’t have) garden will not cure my blood pressure. And don’t get me started on the cost of organic food. Let’s just say a trip to Whole Foods would cost me at least three times my budget for food.

Please don’t take all of this as disrespect. I’m doing what I can. I meditate. I study dharma. So, you’ll understand, I hope, when I say that I’m dipping my toes into the alternative stuff. And I think maybe you’re onto something. I just don’t have the energy, money, or time (what with being dirt poor and deeply involved with buddhadharma) to invest in experimenting with alternatives to the methods that are actually working quite well for me.

So, I’m gonna go back to my white rice and my peas and my scrambled eggs with schmaltz rendered from untrimmed chicken leg quarters (59 cents a pound, 29 cents if I get lucky.) Later today I will have lentils from the batch I made in the crock pot with a smoked pork neck bone and tomato paste and dried herbs and garlic powder. Yum. This is as good as I have ever had it, and I’m actually quite proud of myself.

So, I have a deal to make with all of you all-accomplished gurus of healthy living and clean colons: Don’t rain on my parade and I won’t rain on yours. Mkay?

Metta, Namaste, Peace, Blessed Be,

And I mean that sincerely,